Thank You and Please Come Again

I just want to show some gratitude for all of the things I've been blessed with. It seems like sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have, instead of realizing how much I do have. So to start of with, I am grateful for those of you who take interest in my blog in the first place. It makes me feel so much better to know that there are a couple of people out there that are genuinely interested in what I have to say. Thank you. I am also grateful for the basics; shelter, health, food, employment, clothes, water, air, etc. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. Never forget to be grateful for the basics. I would also like to shine some light on my best friend, Kitty. She has over exceeded any best friend duties to me a long time ago and still finds ways to keep my ass in check. I love her for being the family I don' t really have. I always try to make sure she knows that. (I love you. You're beautiful. Without you I'd be nothing. I hope you never get tired of my bitch ass.) I am also thankful for all of the amazing friends and co-workers I have. I am surrounded with amazing personalities and compassion everyday. I am so fortunate for the love and advice you all give to me. I truly take it to heart. I have a great, though absolutely crazy, family. I am appreciative for the unconditional love my family provides me with. I am very grateful for my mother and grandmother to still be alive. And I am thankful for my two adorable sisters that are the light of my life. I have also been overwhelmed by my incredible relationship with a certain Zombie Killer. (I love you Chris. Each and every morning I am amazed that you are lying next me. This is the most natural love I've ever felt. Thank you for being a part of my life. You make me feel alive.) I am also grateful for my strength to work hard and determination to achieve my dreams. (Here's hoping for college!!!) Though life is hard and nothing is ever 100% perfect all the time, I have a pretty damn good life because of the people that surround me. Thank you all for putting up with my craziness and sometimes bitchiness. I love you all.

Fingers Crossed

It's incredible how nerve racking one person's decision can be. I'm waiting on my acceptance letter from the Art Institute of Charlotte. The nerve racking part is that they have already gone through financial aid (so I know I can afford it), they have all of my paperwork and they just called me to tell me about orientation. It's like being all dressed up with no where to go. What if I don't get in and they have gotten me completley wrapped up in the idea of going to school. I graduated in 2005 with great grades, a really nice GPA, alot of volunteer work and a ridiculous amount of clubs and extra curricular activities under my belt. However, my mom is my only parent and she is sick and doesn't work. Going to school was a little more difficult for me. She never felt like going to the financial aid meetings and when I would start telling her about my aspirations, she'd begin crying and get depressed because she couldn't do anything for me. So I took "a year" off from school. Then I got wrapped up into working and partying. Five years later I'm finally ready to hit the books. This accepptance letter is huge to me. I know I can reapply. I know there are other schools. But I've been through a lot to get to this one. I deserve to go to this school. I'm a great student and I'm really gonna bust my ass. So anyways, keep your fingers crossed for me. This would really change my life.

Enjoy the Rest of Your Youth

It's incredible how abruptly life changes. This year has gone by so fast. It feels like the older I get, the quicker the years go by. It's almost frightening. You flip through old photos and realize how much you've changed. Maybe your not as close as you once were, to someone you really idolized. Your environment has taken on a new form. New relationships, both bad and good. Work. Or maybe, you are the one that has changed entirely. I think people blame life, when in fact we should be blaming ourselves. It's you that changes your appearance and your living conditions. Isn't it also you that changes your ideals and morals, making some old friends less appealing and some more understandable. Suddenly you wanting to better yourself changes a huge part of who you once were. This may not sit right with a large portion of your old self. Yet change is inevitable. You can't stay young minded your entire life. You have to grow and "socialize" yourself. (Unless your a hermit or something...) I'm reminded of my sister's sixteenth birthday party. My sister is six years older than me, so when she had her sweet sixteen I was envious. My grandmother cleaned out her antique store and made out the invitations. CO-ED!!! There was a dance floor, karaoke machine and secret spin the bottle! It was every girls dream. The bitch even had a pretty dress and chez-whiz in a can! All I kept saying was how I couldn't wait to be older, how I hated being a kid! My mother took me aside, and after telling me to stop my bitching, she unleashed a great bit of knowledge. She said to enjoy my youth because you can't ever get any younger, you'll always be able to get a little older. Now although my family didn't do shit for my sweet sixteen, I think if we blame life for anything it should be for not giving us an option. So as I'm growing I'm enjoying my youth. Although I'm pretty sure I'll be 90 with converses and blue hair. Remember to stop and smell the roses.

Baptist

Normally I have two rules when stating my opinion to the general public: 1. Don't talk about politics. 2. Don't talk about religion. It's two topics that everyone has an opinion about but hardly anyone agrees on. Now that I've made that clear I am going to break my second rule today!

I am a fellow baptist, born and raised. Southern to make it more picture perfect for you. I was born in Georgia, baptised at 10, saved at 6 and singing in the choir before I could form sentences properly. But as my mommy dearest always says, when the "worldliness" got ahold of me, I began to realize a few really screwed up things about this "perfect" group of people. In fact I'm going to let you in on my experiences growing up in a southern baptist church. Let's start at about 4 years old. We had just left our church, because the pastor was apparently a "heathen", and took a small group with us to form a new congregation. My family took it upon themselves to buy and build a church for our friends and family. My mother was a Sunday school teacher, my grandfather was a deacon and my sister and I wore lacy dresses and sang the B-I-B-L-E and other ridiculous children's songs every Sunday! True story. So as gracious and humble as we were, you would think that my family rode to church on a parade float every freakin' service. No! Instead when my grandfather decided to take on a hot little red head in his spare time after twenty-one years of marriage, the church exiled us. No shit. Just turned us away because divorce is a sin. (Sounds like someone forgot to read their Old Testament! )

Then you have the time I wore shorts into a church, while we were building something for some great cause, and I got told I was gonna burn in hell because women aren't allowed to wear anything but dresses in the eyes of the lord. Hello! Can't God see and hear all...like all the time. Think about it.

Not to mention the normal everyday stuff that can land you right into a fiery pit of death: drinking (because no one drinks in the bible), sex before marriage (yeah, suddenly hell's a little over populated) divorce, suicide, laziness, OH! worrying is apparently a sin. So stop! Now!, you can't be gay, you can't curse, you can't think or say anything wrong about God, adultery is a big no no, I could go on and on.

But here's the BIG laugh. Despite the fact that I grew up in this crap, I decided to join a church with my family and do some volunteer work in my spare time. I figured what's so bad about being good? Right? So when I break up with my ex because he's a manipulative ass hole, he decides to call the preacher's wife and make her his buddy. Someone he can really lean on. He tells her that my roommate it pulling me away from God and towards the devil, that I'm doing drugs and drinking, the I'm wild and falling away from the grace of God. Truth is, I love God, it's his people that freakin' suck! So now the preacher's wife is blowing up my family's phone trying to save me from drifting away from God's magnificent love. She's tried several times to mediate a conversation between the two of us and get us back together. And all the time she thinks I'm lying about his abusive mental state. No one see's manipulating my family's church members into believing that I'm a heathen as VINDICTIVE AND PSYCHO!?!?! What's wrong with these people. Now my church has turned their back on me and I am the gossip on everyone's lips. (Crazy how gossiping is also a sin.)

I have decided that I hate organized religion. People aren't smart or responsible enough to dictate what others should do for God. I love God and he loves me. I'm a good person and I pray. I study my bible and other works about His life. That's good enough for me. Thanks for reading my rant.

Cruel and Harsh

"Step with care and great tact

And remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft

And never mix up your right foot with your left. "

Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go

Today it's

r

a

i

n

i

n

g. Although this dreary weather always makes me nostalgic, it also makes me think. Life is so cruel. No... people are cruel, which creates an unfair world for everyone to live in. As childish as it is for me to say, it's not fair! You grow up with these distorted "ideas" that something is wrong with you, you must always strive for perfection or you're a failure and no one loves you. These "ideas" end up torturing you for the rest of your childhood, teen and if you're not careful adult life. You either end up crippled and dependent because of these sick concepts or you shut yourself completely off from any emotion.

As if that's not enough, then when you reach your adult years you begin to realize how truly messed up you are. Because of these "ideas" forced into your mind as a young sponge, you have now turned into a bitter person who is either alone or terribly attempting a relationship with someone who doesn't understand you but instead turns out to be an afterthought. Twisted right. Keep following me, I'm almost done.

Now, everything you do has become a battle within yourself. You constantly question every feeling you have, wondering if it's true or inflicted. Who are your true friends? Who really knows you anymore? Are you a good person? Do you like yourself? Do you like yourself.... That becomes a hard question to answer.

Then you end up meeting someone who knows you so well. So entirely. But do you trust? What if this is just another screwed up way your mind has of making you feel loved and protected. What if this is wrong? Then your not perfect and you have failed. So you build that great big wall called "I'm freaking crazy". And everyone notices your crazy! Then people wanna talk about your feelings and you end up being pulled in all directions and being probed again with the same "ideas" that got you here in the first place.

Cruel.

So my question is: Is life a constant battle of you trying to figure yourself out? Will this ever end. Can people just be happy? Content. Simply smiling most of the time and not be faking it? Can this be accomplished by a world full of such cruel people? I hope so. Then again, Hope is my middle name.

Or at least, if we are to continue torturing ourselves, can we just love as well? Can we be loosing our mind, waiting for the bottom to fall out, and still be utterly happy in the arms of a familiar. Because I like the more positive path here. Maybe I continue to search for the answers to my sanity, but with someone who has the same aspirations as me. Someone just trying to get through each day as well. And maybe that someone makes more sense than I do. You can't argue that. I believe then, you just have to accept it.

So maybe cruel was being a little harsh.

I'm Sad My Kitty is Sick Today

I'm sad my Kitty is sick today.
I wish we could scare the germs away.
We could dress up as a monster covered in goo.
And teach those germs a thing or two.

I'm sad my Kitty is sick today.
I wish we could laugh the germs away.
We could destroy them with silly analogies.
And that would be the end of your sneeze.

I'm sad my Kitty is sick today.
I wish I could take it all away.
But soon those germs will leave for good.
And you'll go back to living as one should.

I'm sad my Kitty is sick today.

Random Talks With a Crazy J

It's always a little surprising , I think, when you find someone who seems so much different from you to be a great friend. As a servant to the public, I have been in this situation several times. At this point in my life I have realized that first impressions are usually almost always wrong. Duh! Don't judge a book by it's cover and such! I have a point. There is a wonderful new friend of mine we'll call Crazy J. He always has an ear to lend you. I've seen countless girls that I work with really put a lot of dependence on this man and he is genuinely interested in all of them. Not in this twisted perverted way that so many other men have been "genuinely interested" either. He shares his opinions on their life struggles and offers a few good laughs. He buys snacks and drinks for a couple of smiles in exchange. And I always wonder if he knows how much he does for everyone. How rare it is to find a man that doesn't mind goofing off with a bunch of crazy women. It's a beautiful thing. Some ridiculous laughs we've personally shared are those on; Oprah possibly being Mama Satan and her future child evolving into what we will know as the Antichrist. Something to think about people. Why does everyone love her so much? Don't trust Oprah. Or the hilarious situation of the computer screen with a missing pixel (i think that's what it's called) on the monitor. Now every time he looks at his computer there is one dot missing. Just one. One tiny annoying flake of imperfection staring him in the face. Hilarious! And slow torture. These are some of the things that get me through the long hours I work to stay alive. Crazy J makes us all smile when shit gets pretty bad. Hopefully we will continue to be interesting for him.